An Unrequited Love

At the sight of his tears I tore out of the crowded conference room like I was suddenly hit with the realization that I was naked. I had to escape. For he would not let me comfort him in the way I longed to and I knew he would be confused and overwhelmed at the sight of the tears welling up in my eyes caused by the sight of his. And heaven forbid that I should have to explain my tears to anyone else. I couldn’t bear the thought of being that pathetic …for I already wondered if I was.

Upon fleeing, I found an empty room in the lodge and curled up in a ball on a sofa. I felt like the thoughts swimming in my head were going to overtake me and if I wasn’t able to come up for air soon I was going to drown. Then, suddenly the dam broke—the words frantically gushed out onto the yellow lined paper as if the words were water, and the paper was dying of thirst and desperately needed to drink in order to survive…

Does he know that when he cries it rips me apart inside and all I want to do is take away the pain?
Does he know that I admire him far beyond what he thinks he is worthy of or deserves?
Does he know that he deserves to have someone who loves for exactly who he is?
Does he know that when he smiles my heart burst with a joy I didn’t know existed before him?
Does he know that when he shares his heart with me, even in the smallest way, he steals my heart?
Does he know that when he is not with me I am counting the seconds till I see him again?
Does he know that the sound of his voice is music to my ears?
Does he know that his weaknesses and areas of brokenness only make me love him more?
Does he know that in my eyes he is perfect exactly as he is, and I don’t feel the need to change anything about him?
Does he know that I could just gaze at him for hours?
Does he know that I want so much to walk alongside him and support him as he grows into the man he was destine to be?
Does he know I can see through him, and past the masks he sometimes wears?
Does he know that I love him simply because of who he is and not because of anything he has done for me?
Does he know that his laugh warms me to the tips of my toes?
Does he know I delight in seeing him strive to be a better man each day?
Does he know that my one desire is to hold him in my arms forever and never let him go?
Does he know I love him more than anyone else on the planet ever could?

Though much time has passed since I wrote those words, recalling it quickly brings me right back to that place and time. I was deeply, achingly in love with a man who didn’t feel the same way about me. I had his friendship and respect and he honestly cared about me, but he wasn’t willing to give his heart to me. I couldn’t share these words with him and I had hit the point when the words urgently needed to get out and breathe because they were going to rob me of all of my air and suffocate me. And once I was emptied of all of the words it was then that I heard a quiet, confident voice, “That is how I feel about you.” “Lord, is that you?”, I replied. “Yes, my love, that is how I feel about you.”, the voice repeated. “Lord, really? Do you really ache at the thought of not being with me? Could you possible yearn for me that desperately? How can you possibly love me when you can clearly see all of my brokenness?”, I asked. The voice replied, “Yes, my love, I long to spend all of my time with you. I wish you could understand how deep my love is for you. I want so much for you to believe that you could trust your heart to me. I dream of you giving me and trusting me with your whole being. I wish you knew that taking that chance would be worth the risk and bring you unimaginable joy.” Ironically, that was exactly how I felt about this man I loved. I felt that if he could just have a glimpse at how much I loved him it would change his life. To even consider that God loved me that wholly, with that much emotion and passion seemed inconceivable.
I still remember how flooded my heart felt the day those words poured forth. And I still find myself wondering how much would it change my life if I could just have the slightest understanding of how deeply God loves me, for it is still so difficult to envision God could love me that intensely. But my prayer is that each day I take the risk of trusting God with more and more of my heart. And I pray the same for you.
Do you know that He loves you? Because He does…far beyond your imagination.

***

A confession:
Although I would be honored to have God use this post to bless others with a new understanding of how much He loves them, I debated whether or not to share this with the “world”.  One of my greatest fears in life is looking foolish, and I can think of few things make you feel as foolish as falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.  I felt encouraged to take the risk of sharing this chapter of my life story in part because I want so much to win a scholarship to She Speaks – a conference for women who feel a call to write, or speak, or minister to the heart of other women.  If you haven’t heard about it you can click on the She Speaks button on the top left of this page for more details.  I have never been to the event, but it sounds AMAZING…so I’m praying a scholarship will come through so I can attend.  Check out http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/how-christians-create-art-she-speaks-scholarship/ if you would be interested in possibly winning a scholarship to the conference.

Oh…and if you wouldn’t mind letting me know if this post has touched your heart in some small way; I would love to hear from you. For it would be further proof “that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose“. Roman 8:28 NLT

Hugs & Smooches,

Lisa Ann

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